Questions of Life (Steven Wright Humor)

Do Roman paramedics refer to "IV's" as "4s"?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it re-search when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Tell a man there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

What is the speed of dark?

How come glue doesn't stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a chapter 11?

How can there self-help groups?

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

What's another word for synonym?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

What are Preparation A through G?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw away the top one away?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there staring at carpeting?

What happened to the first 6 "ups?"

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green, or a lemon called a yellow?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

My school colors were "clear".

I stayed in a really old hotel last night and they sent me a wake-up letter.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it is always room temperature.

I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.

Why do they lock gas station restrooms? Are they afraid someone might clean them?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you cannot drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstates in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under the seats of planes instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?

If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they get Teflon to stick to the pan?

If you are driving at the speed of light and turn on your headlights, what happens?

Most packages say "open here", but what's the protocol if it says open somewhere else?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keyboard of a drive up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, who don't they wear a pair of bras?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of an airplane?

If a firefighter fights fires, a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?

If con is opposite of pro, is Congress opposite of progress?

If they squeeze olive oil out of olives, how do they get baby oil?


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